You are dead to us
OK. This may be the sort of thing I regret posting, but I gotta speak up on the reality TV parody
Joe Schmo. It's on Spike TV (it has nothing to do with
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I promise) which, for those men like myself who didn't know, is apparently the first network for men. It's weird that other than the Schmo show it's just like reruns of
CHIPS
and
Baywatch all day. If you're a man who finds yourself watching Baywatch at 11AM on a Tuesday and considers that a manly type experience then well... the Smog Monster wishes you the very best of luck. Anyway... Here's a very poorly written little description of the brilliance that is Joe Schmo...
Ralph the host comes up, very Joe Millionaire-esque, in riding gear on a white horse. He tells the "cast" that they will be on a show called "Lap of Luxury", trying to win $100,000. They are sent into the mansion in groups of 3, with Matt, Earl, and Dr. Pat being the last group, getting a bedroom with 1 king size bed. Matt immediately pegs Kip as gay, but apologizes profusely and keep reiterating that "He's an ally" and doesn't have a problem with it.
Challenge 1- Whose underwear is this? Everyone donates 1 piece of underwear for this challenge. The winner gets to sleep alone in the "Master Suite", the loser has to wear the winner's underwear for a day. Kinda silly, but our Patsy gets into it, posing in black speedos. Other high/lowlights: Earl in a leopard print thong, Hutch in crotchless panties, and Kip in NOTHING. The script calls for Matt to lose, but Matt (in what will become a running gag) actually answers more correctly than anyone and the writers have to scramble to switch whose underwear belongs to who, and hope the cast will pick up on it quickly. Kip ends up "winning" and Matt has to wear Kip's gold g-string the rest of the day.
Yeah, maybe that doesn't sound so great, but I snagged it from a
website that's considerably less interesting
than my own.
Challenge 2- Hands on the Immunity Idol/High Priced Hooker. A hooker is brought out. The cast draws dollar bills from her bikini and panties to decide what part of their body will have to remain in contact with what part of her body. The winner becomes Head of Household Lord of the Manor and gets to wear the Pimped Out Immunity Necklace Robe. The loser has to sleep in the laundry room. The hooker removes her bikini top, exposing her breasts, and Matt recognizes her as a porn star. Whoops. The important placements are that Matt must keep his left hand on the hooker's right breast, Molly must keep her right hand on the hooker's left breast, and Hutch must keep his crotch on the hooker's right hand.
What you kind of lose in the description, that I'm far too lazy to write, you're fucking lucky I italicized it, is that this is actually a pretty smart show. The LSM thinks the whole thing is a put-on, because the guy just buys into it too perfectly, but I'd like to think I'm a little less jaded. Besides, when the host shows up in the red riding gear I just wanted to believe. The voting-off/tribal council ceremony is genius.
RICHES TO RAGS EVICTION CEREMONY
We see the Lap of Luxury collector plates of each remaining houseguest as well as a pile of dust and bits of broken plate where Gina’s collector plate used to be. Sweet.
Schmo votes for Ashleigh while the others pretend to vote. Of course, this ceremony is really meant to evict the worst actor left as the producers fear their cover will be blown. As such, the vote tally is:
Earl – 4
Ashleigh – 3
Brian – 1
Earl takes it much better then Gina did and tells those left that he enjoyed his time in the “Lap of Luxury” and that he learned the most from Kip. The girls begin to cry – and by girls I mean Ashleigh, Molly, Dr Pat, Kip and Schmo. Ralph then gives his sensitive farewell rhyme.
“Ashes to ashes. dust to dust
Earl you are dead to us”
SMASH goes the plate in the fireplace
I didn't really want to write all that much about this because the next episode could suck, but apparently it involves the Schmo being handcuffed to
the buxom virgin, drenched in honey and given thirty seconds to roll around in 'the money pit'. How could that be bad TV?
Anyway, the Smog Monster has done you a solid. Now go screw.
