The Smog Blog

2010-03-17T22:47:00.001-07:00

2010-02-11T17:23:00.001-07:00

2010-01-29T17:16:00.001-07:00

http://selleckwaterfallsandwich.tumblr.com/

2009-12-14T08:37:00.003-07:00

I don't post this to mock a dead man, but instead to settle an argument I had with Juan.

See, JUST ONE. I TOLD YOU.

2009-12-11T10:34:00.000-07:00

2009-11-15T22:53:00.001-07:00

2009-10-01T09:54:00.001-07:00

2008-11-04T20:49:00.003-07:00

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOeatOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOthatOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBUSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2007-08-19T23:08:00.000-07:00

http://smogfilms.wordpress.com/

Everyone is more than welcome, but I'm shooting for something kind of professional here. Let's keep the cocaine addled club violence anecdotes to a minimum and by minimum I mean, they are verboten.

Fare the well, smog blog.

2007-08-17T16:42:00.001-07:00

Now that that's over...

I am officially announcing the death of the Smog Blog.

Come Monday I will provide a link here to my newest venture and we can all bid the Smog Blog a fond farewell.

2007-08-15T01:02:00.000-07:00

BEST OF THE SMOG BLOG! DAY 2!

We'll get this over with ASAP.

The Shit List for 8/24/05

Things that are, at the moment, The Shit.

The Long Goodbye
The new White Stripes
Diet Coke
Ham & Cheese croissants

Thank you for enjoying this BEST OF THE SMOG BLOG moment!

Also...

Now, I don't expect anyone who reads this blog (heh) to agree with me on this, but Inland Empire is the stuff. Had I seen it before 8/24/05, or most likely near that date, it would have made the list.

No, it doesn't seem to make much goddamn sense but I was pretty fascinated by it. Seems to be something about peoples what with bad experiences being rescued by Hollywood movie stars. That was my take on it.

On the same vibe, I'd like to take a moment to mourn the passing of David Milch's John from Cincinnati. Also apparently senseless but also fascinating. I want Al Bundy's character to return in a new series where he opens a detective agency. Please, universe?

2007-08-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

BEST O' TEH SMOG BLOG WEEK!

What a joke. There is no "best of" the smog blog. It's crap! It's all crap!

But who could forget this classic from Wednesday, December 22, 2004? Not me!

Ahem

Sorry, no post again. I have no time for this nonsense at the moment.

2007-08-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

Important Announcement

The funniest word in the English language is no longer "pants" which has been the funniest word in the English language for some time.

The new funniest word is "Lady." While it isn't strictly necessary to sing the word "lady" to make it funny, it is necessary to unleash it's full potential.

There are two songs that exist where the word "Lady" isn't completely hilarious, "Lady Madonna" by los Beatles and "Dude Looks Like A Lady" by Aerosmith and probably Adam Sandler's "Lunch Lady" song, but seeing as he wanted that to be funny it doesn't really deserve mention. Every single other instance is completely and entirely ridiculous.

Also, next week will be a Best Of The Smog Blog Week.

Thank you for your time.

Ode to O

2007-08-02T19:56:00.000-07:00

She stalks in beauty like the night,

this Orzolek! Pit viper of my heart,

the world bleeds at your every

slink and slither. You way out chick,

Cassandra of the stage, bathe me

in the cold light of the demons

you conduct. With every bark and wail,

Juan wants to be your dog.

--posted by Juan

2007-07-22T13:09:00.000-07:00

Quick political post!

Also included, a link you should really follow. I am really no fan of Hillary's political career. She voted for the goddamn war and her solution to owning up to that was her goddamn, back-assed resolution to symbolically retract that vote. Nonsense. Whatever.

But this is a story that really got my fur up because it makes no difference which senator made the request outlined in the story, as the response is just unreal.

I appreciate your interest in our mission in Iraq, and would be happy to answer any further questions.

Just. Friggin'. Wow.

I apologize for pulling any attention away from Juan's highly entertaining baby eating Sumo post.

Fat Men and Little Boy

2007-07-20T17:51:00.000-07:00

I shot this while on luau safari last month. This rare footage shows a group of sumo alpha males playing with a pup that had been separated from its mother. The camera cuts away before the kid gets wrapped in seaweed and eaten.

--posted by Juan

2007-06-30T01:49:00.000-07:00

Christ on a cracker!

Um. That looks pretty good.

2007-06-29T00:15:00.000-07:00

Franklin Comes Alive

Sort of says it all, doesn't it?

Waikiki Is Where The Beautiful People Are

2007-06-10T00:35:00.000-07:00

--posted by Juan

2007-05-15T18:20:00.000-07:00

Bye Jerry!

Let's remember some fun quotes from this pudgy barrel o' laughs:

“[homosexuals are] brute beasts...part of a vile and satanic system [that] will be utterly annihilated, and there will be a celebration in heaven.”

“AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals”

“If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being”

“Textbooks are Soviet propaganda”

Classy.

2007-04-22T12:33:00.000-07:00

World Gone Mad edition

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/0422071cho1.html

Thank you for your time.

2007-03-29T12:48:00.000-07:00

I think the words you're looking for are

dear... god... no...

2007-03-21T12:06:00.000-07:00

This man

Is awesome. I'm even considering picking up Showtime. If there are any Showtime subscribers in the hizzy, please describe in detail your experience with this channel. Seems like any other premium channel. I had HBO for Deadwood and then cancelled after that ended because, while I enjoyed Batman Begins, I don't really feel like watching it four times a day. Same for every Harry Potter movie ever made, Sandra Bullock in general and War of the Worlds.

So, Showtime subscribers. Is this channel any better?

update:

because this is what blogs are for, and because this gentleman seems to be the polar opposite of Ira...

What can you say but... DID HE JUST CALL LILY TOMLIN A CUNT???

Some further reading into the psychosis of Mr. O. Russell is available here & here.

Highlights:

"David, it's a big day. But you can't shove, push or humiliate people who aren't allowed to defend themselves." He turned on me and said, "Why don't you just worry about your *beep* act? You're being a dick. You want to hit me? You want to hit me? Come on, pussy, hit me." I'm looking at him like he's out of his mind. Then he started banging me on the head with his head. He goes, "Hit me, you pussy. Hit me." Then he got me by the throat and I went nuts. Waldo, my buddy, one of the boys, grabbed me by the waist to get me to let go of him. I had him by the throat. I was going to kill him. Kill him.
--George Clooney

Holy cow. So THIS is why people read celebrity gossip. Ohhh...

4 years and I fear The Smogmonster is dead.

2007-03-15T21:20:00.000-07:00

Le sigh.

Here is the mighty jackalope.

2007-03-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

There's nothing I can say

that Henry Rollins can't say better, or at least to better people.

Not a book about bacon

2007-02-28T18:06:00.000-07:00

Actually there might be some bacon in it. I haven't finished it yet. Despite any non-porcine leanings it may have, this is a very good book. One that Juan recommends with extreme prejudice.

-- posted by Juan

2007-02-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

Juan is invited this time

So, at the risk of becoming a food blog, I'd like to say I'd mostly like to go here for the hookahs. OK, the hookahs, hummus, tahini, slow cooked lambs and the meat on a stick!

It's not the most sparkling of reviews, but to be fair, in regards to his last review posted here, well... as delicious as the Chuck Wagon was, I was disappointed that only 85% of my breakfast was flour. I think it's pretty hard to fuck up hookahs and hummus and with all due respect, what kind of an a-hole orders a chicken kabob when there's lamb meat about?

2007-02-01T14:56:00.000-07:00

Fop Chef

Yeah, that's the cleverest headline I could muster. I've been reading way too much about the Top Chef finale and I'm pretty shocked by my behavior. Sure, as a geek I'm naturally pretty susceptible to geeking out but luckily for me reality TV has never really been one of these things that caught my fancy. I was and still am very impressed by the fake reality show Joe Schmo, and I have guiltily followed some of America's Next Top Model, but I was actually sucked in a bit by this one. No one is perfect, but that I'm about to... blog about a reality show... makes me officially awesome.

If any of you pretend that you have any respect for me as a person and would like to continue this delusion, I urge you not to read on. I actually have alot to say on this subject and a couple hours until class starts, plus, if I don't get this out then I may just die. Would it be better to die than to demean myself in such a way? Die with some dignity perhaps? Throw myself on my reality show hand grenade and spare you the reader? No, no. Fuck that. Nobody reads this blog anymore anyway. Plus, I haven't written anything in a long time and I've been reading the book The Historian, so I really feel like bloviating.

And so we're off...

Like everyone else in the universe, I picked Sam as the winner pretty much from the first episode I'd seen. His food looked tasty and the guy seemed the least batshit of the group. I'll chalk it up to his heroic TV image and the fact that we are all pretty much trained to root for the prettiest people on TV. It's how TV works. The most batshit would have been a tie between Betty the Jokeresque crackwhore and Marcel the uppity food nerd who looks like a scrawnier version of Wolverine. Had the show played out predictably, those two comic book characters would explode ingloriously at Sam's feet and become footnotes in the history of television ignominy as he sailed to an easy $100,000, champagne and comely lasses.

But no. Wait! Betty's hatred of Marcel slowly began to evolve beyond endlessly bitching about Marcel and his endless stupid foaming foodstacks of pomposity. It all backfired terribly for Betty, Bravo and the majority of the TV world as this petty squabbling erupted into nothing less than the ultimate battle of GOOD VS. EVIL! OK, maybe not. But sort of.

From the first episode I watched, my hatred of Betty was sincere and entirely personal. I've worked in restaurants for years and I know this Betty character very well. She doesn't just work in restaurants, and you can find them in sales offices, middle-management, and customer service. Anywhere there are customers or clients there are Bettybots. Anywhere that there is a consumer who's insides have rotted away, where a person can be so empty and dead to the world that they can be charmed by giant, toothy, insincere beaming smiles that shout "I love you with a love that is unquestioning and inhuman" there will be a Bettybot to provide this plastic love. But by their very nature, the Bettybots are brittle creatures and their topping of sugary, syrupy, nauseatingly sweet fluff will curdle so quickly if you aren't very careful with them, if you aren't careful to smile every time you see them and listen to every pointless goddamn anecdote and self-aggrandizing self-delusion and feign interest then you will be devoured by the emptyness of their souls and once the feasting begins it does not end. Their hatred toward you will be endless.

Essentially what I'm saying is this: Betty is all that is insincere and inhuman and because he stood in opposition of Betty and Bettyism and insincere affection and dared to treat her with the lack of interest the Bettybot deserves and gracefully suffered the fullness of her wrath, Marcel became my hero. And more surprisingly than this, every week he actually began to earn it. As the rest of the cast's hatred built (fueled by Betty's own hatred and the fact that the majority of the people on the cast would sooner agree with a Betty than foolishly confront her) toward Marcel and as their animosity became crueler and more open the more you couldn't help but root for the guy.

His food nerd charms were genuinely charming. All of the contestants at one point or another would wax self-importantly about their passion for food and their "love for their craft" with stiff jaws and, Marcel would talk about food pretentiously, but he would talk about food the way a kid will talk about his favorite transformer . His love of food was a nerd's love, which basically means an affection for something (usually video games, japanimation or Kevin Smith movies) that is completely unfetered by the collective social consciousness. He isn't a trendy foodie, he seemed genuinely wowed by the mechanisms behind trendy foodie food trends.

And this nerd love inspires so much contempt for Marcel that it would be impossible for me to recount all of it here. OK, it would actually be possible but I have no interest in it. It starts slowly with off the cuff remarks, builds into embarssing and childish tirades, people threatening to beat him "so badly (his) mother won't recognize (him)", and other such, I assume, reality TV villain treatments. All of which Marcel handles admirably. But what's so bizarre and watchable is that the more they villify him the more heroic he becomes. It could just be my own anti-social tendencies here, but Marcel has actually built up a sincere fan base. This isn't just my hang up

Ayn Rand would have been proud of this tale of plastic people and their conventional foodstuffs ganging up and attempting to destroy a sincere innovator, but probably wouldn't have mentioned it to anyone because she would have been totally embarassed to have thought such a thing about a reality television show. And while we're being painfully honest, no honest appraisal of what is basically this TV character could be complete without confronting a very ugly truth. Yes, this Howard Roark writes raps. He writes raps and then raps them to you while you are forced to watch the rapping. I'll be polite and just say that his beats were not so fresh and his rhymes were, how do they say? Whack? And it's just not in me to defend a thing like this, but his horrible rap was at least totally sincere and genuinely seemed to make him happy. Man it is weird to become interested in a reality television show. Let's never let this happen to me again.

And then the douchesbags attacked him. Physically attacked the dude while he was sleeping and tried to shave his head. I believe Sam when he says that Bravo laid the drama on nice and thick in the assault scene, but there was something genuinely grotesque and disturbing about "clippergate" and it's that what all of the Marcel taunting boils down to is: we bully and attack the weakest of our herd.

But heroically, Marcel made it to the finale to face his vilest foe, a hipster fuckwit named Ilan who was one of his biggest haters and one of Betty's most beloved pets.

I really liked Anthony Bourdain's take on Marcel and having written all of this it's refreshing to me that Bourdain wrote quite a bit more on the subject. He says:

I'd like to add that Marcel deserves a lot of respect for simply having
the strength to hang in there--in the face of relentless, naked hostility. It's
an admirable character trait that will serve him well in the business.

And also probably true when he wrote:

Is there ANYTHING this guy doesn't want to foam? So slavishly devoted to
what Ferran Adria was doing TEN YEARS AGO it's....scary and sad.

But that's foodie talk and doesn't play well with my entire hypothesis of good vs. evil as personified by the reality stars of Bravo TV, for further study on this topic please join me in watching commercials for "Real Housewives of Orange County". I'd invite you to watch the whole show with me but I could never do such a thing.

And it really doesn't matter that Marcel lost the competition last night. Or that he came in second to someone as disgusting as Ilan, because for all of Ilan's faults (which are, according to Bourdain, that he is a "manipulative, conspiratorial, vindictive, weasely little shit....") the dude is only 24 years old. And as anguishing as it is for me to say this, as it makes me feel really old, 24 is crazy young. It's bizarre that this faux-hawked, hipster dullard of a line cook won this competition for simply putting out dishes served at his old restaurant over someone who actually invented slightly flawed, but completely original dishes. But it's not like I ever had any faith in Bravo or the makers of this show. It was pretty entertaining to watch a reality show spin so wildly out of the control of it's puppetmasters. But, while I don't like that Ilan won it really doesn't matter. The entire thing was an endless disgrace and a complete and utter train wreck but I can't help but be impressed that out of this entire train wreck crawled someone who seems to have some genuine character.

Also, I should probably admit that I sincerely hope Ilan trips onto a diseased cock and dies.

It was pretty disheartening that the final shot of the show was Ilan smiling with the Bettybeast wrapped around him and beaming that toothy grin of death into my face as Marcel stood gloomily behind them, bested by his tormentors. But, I was glad to see Marcel handled the loss with dignity by showing up to the post game show high out of his fucking mind and acting like an ass and stealing Ilan's beloved spotlight. If anyone wishes to see the fella in a better circumstance than that I'll direct you to his CHOW interview where he seems quite a bit more coherent, sane and worthy of my respect.

In closing:

That Padma Lakshmi, host and trophy wife of Salman Rushdie (that Salman Rushdie is tied up in any of this show in any way at all just seems highly appropriate), is a total pot head is pretty unsurprising, totally understandable, and surprisingly endearing. I had thought she was just a sexy, dumb TV fembot but that she's just really frickin' high all the time makes alot of sense to me.

Now let us never speak of this again. I have to go to class so I'm just gonna hit PUBLISH.

Smog? This weekend? Chicken fried steak?!?!?!

2007-01-29T15:29:00.000-07:00

Juan is not invited!

2007-01-26T14:16:00.000-07:00

Attention: Crafters of Cheap Sunglasses

You enjoyed the Matrix. I'm happy for you. However, that movie is almost a decade old now and despite what most 12-year-olds will tell you, it wasn't "all that". But I haven't been able to find a decent pair of cheap sunglasses since 1998 and well, it's time you stopped your foolishness.

Therefore, I propose that your industry ditch the illusion that everyone who does not wish to pay a hundred dollars for sunglasses wants to look like Keanu Reeves.

Also, I understand that women are having the same problem with Paris Hilton sized sunglasses.

Just an FYI, but not every woman who wants to pay less than one-hundred dollars for sunglasses wishes to look like a cocksucking dumbo in a cowboy hat.

In closing, I miss you cheap sunglasses. Let's get this issue resolved and never fight again.

Sincerely,
John Q. Public

EGADS!!!!!!

2007-01-23T12:46:00.000-07:00

(image of duck cock removed as I don't care to look at it anymore)

--clearly posted by Yahweh for some unknown, unforgivable reason. Also:

You didn't ask for it... you don't need it...

2007-01-20T01:48:00.000-07:00

But you're going to get it!

Shipping soon to an address near you.

--posted by Juan

--addendum by me

Also coming soon

It's like Juan's CD only better.

2007-01-09T01:31:00.000-07:00

Great bejeesus!

So, yeah. I'm going to be one of a billion peoples who tell you to go see Children of Men, and I'm happy to join that chorus. Holy great bejeesus, this movie! Oh man, this movie! Oh holy shit, this movie! Do you understand that I feel this is a good movie? Because I do. I enjoyed this movie. So anyways, this movie! Yowza!

A Very Good Album(s):

2007-01-02T17:45:00.000-07:00

For more information on Nick Cave and other fine music-smiths, visit your local library.

--posted by Juan

2006-12-13T16:32:00.000-07:00

She is terrifying!

Let us never forget!

Robert Mitchum and Calypso is like Peanut Butter and Bananas!

2006-11-30T15:00:00.000-07:00

2006-11-28T11:31:00.000-07:00

It's time for a...

Enjoy it, bitches.

2006-11-27T17:25:00.000-07:00

Guess who just got his hands on a copy of the Paul Prudhomme sex tape?

My house, living room, now...

SMOGKATEEEEEEEEEERS ASSEMBLLLEEEE.....

2006-11-22T13:09:00.000-07:00

A study in books I do not care to read (with parody!)

Now, I myself have never written or published a whole big novel. But, if I ever do, I certainly hope my novel would not read like this sample from the new Hannibal the Cannibal series.

Prologue

The door to Dr. Hannibal Lecter's memory palace is in the darkness at the center of his mind and it has a latch that can be found by touch alone. This curious portal opens on immense and well-lit spaces, early baroque, and corridors and chambers rivaling in number those of the Topkapi Museum.

Everywhere there are exhibits, well-spaced and lighted, each keyed to memories that lead to other memories in geometric progression.

Spaces devoted to Hannibal Lecter's earliest years differ from the other archives in being incomplete. Some are static scenes, fragmentary, like painted Attic shards held together by blank plaster. Other rooms hold sound and motion, great snakes wrestling and heaving in the dark and lit in flashes. Pleas and screaming fill some places on the grounds where Hannibal himself cannot go. But the corridors do not echo screaming, and there is music if you like.

The palace is a construction begun early in Hannibal's student life. In his years of confinement he improved and enlarged his palace, and its riches sustained him for long periods while warders denied him his books.

Here in the hot darkness of his mind, let us feel together for the latch. Finding it, let us elect for music in the corridors and, looking neither left nor right, go to the Hall of the Beginning where the displays are most fragmentary.

We will add to them what we have learned elsewhere, in war records and police records, from interviews and forensics and the mute postures of the dead. Robert Lecter's letters, recently unearthed, may help us establish the vital statistics of Hannibal, who altered dates freely to confound the authorities and his chroniclers. By our efforts we may watch as the beast within turns from the teat and, working upwind, enters the world.

Chapter 6

"Do you know what today is?" Hannibal asked over his breakfast gruel at the lodge. "It's the day the sun reaches Uncle Elgar's window."

"What time will it appear?" Mr. Jakov asked, as though he didn't know.

"It will peep around the tower at ten-thirty," Hannibal said.

"That was in 1941," Mr. Jakov said. "Do you mean to say the moment of arrival will be the same?"

"Yes."

"But the year is more than 365 days long."

"But, Mr. Jakov, this is the year after leap year. So was 1941, the last time we watched."

"Then does the calendar adjust perfectly, or do we live by gross corrections?"

A thorn popped in the fire.

"I think those are separate questions," Hannibal said.

Mr. Jakov was pleased, but his response was just another question: "Will the year 2000 be a leap year?"

"No—yes, yes, it will be a leap year."

"But it is divisible by one hundred," Mr. Jakov said.

"It's also divisible by four hundred," Hannibal said.

"Exactly so," Mr. Jakov said. "It will be the first time the Gregorian rule is applied.

Perhaps, on that day, surviving all gross corrections, you will remember our talk. In this strange place." He raised his cup. "Next year in Lecter Castle."

Lothar heard it first as he drew water, the roar of an engine in low gear and cracking of branches. He left the bucket on the well and in his haste he came into the lodge without wiping his feet.

A Soviet tank, a T-34 in winter camouflage of snow and straw, crashed up the horse trail and into the clearing. Painted on the turret in Russian were AVENGE OUR SOVIET GIRLS and WIPE OUT THE FASCIST VERMIN. Two soldiers in white rode on the back over the radiators. The turret swiveled to point the tank's cannon at the house. A hatch opened and a gunner in hooded winter white stood behind a machine gun. The tank commander stood in the other hatch with a megaphone. He repeated his message in Russian and in German, barking over the diesel clatter of the tank engine.

"We want water, we will not harm you or take your food unless a shot comes from the house. If we are fired on, every one of you will die. Now come outside. Gunner, lock and load. If you do not see faces by the count of ten, fire." A loud clack as the machine gun's bolt went back.

Count Lecter stepped outside, standing straight in the sunshine, his hands visible. "Take the water. We are no harm to you."

The tank commander put his megaphone aside. "Everyone outside where I can see you."

The count and the tank commander looked at each other for a long moment. The tank commander
showed his palms.

The count showed his palms. The count turned to the house. "Come."

When the commander saw the family he said, "The children can stay inside where it's warm."

And to his gunner and crew, "Cover them. Watch the upstairs windows. Start the pump. You can
smoke."

The machine gunner pushed up his goggles and lit a cigarette. He was no more than a boy, the
skin of his face paler around his eyes. He saw Mischa peeping around the door facing and smiled at her.

Among the fuel and water drums lashed to the tank was a small petrol-powered pump with a rope starter.

The tank driver snaked a hose with a screen filter down the well and after many pulls on the rope the pump clattered, squealed, and primed itself.

The noise covered the scream of the Stuka dive bomber until it was almost on them, the tank's gunner swiveling his muzzle around, cranking hard to elevate his gun, firing as the airplane's winking cannon stitched the ground. Rounds screamed off the tank, the gunner hit, still firing with his remaining arm.

The Stuka's windscreen starred with fractures, the pilot's goggles filled with blood and the dive bomber, still carrying one of its eggs, hit treetops, plowed into the garden and its fuel exploded, cannon under the wings still firing after the impact. Hannibal, on the floor of the lodge, Mischa partly under him, saw his mother lying in the yard, bloody and her dress on fire.

"Stay here!" to Mischa and he ran to his mother, ammunition in the airplane cooking off now, slow and then faster, casings flying backward striking the snow, flames licking around the remaining bomb beneath the wing. The pilot sat in the cockpit, dead, his face burned to a death's head in flaming scarf and helmet, his gunner dead behind him.

Lothar alone survived in the yard and he raised a bloody arm to the boy. Then Mischa ran to her mother, out into the yard and Lothar tried to reach her and pull her down as she passed, but a cannon round from the flaming plane slammed through him, blood spattering the baby and Mischa raised her arms and screamed into the sky. Hannibal heaped snow onto the fire in his mother's clothes, stood up and ran to Mischa amid the random shots and carried her into the lodge, into the cellar. The shots outside slowed and stopped as bullets melted in the breeches of the cannon. The sky darkened and snow came again, hissing on the hot metal.

Darkness, and snow again. Hannibal among the corpses, how much later he did not know, snow drifting down to dust his mother's eyelashes and her hair. She was the only corpse not blackened and crisped. Hannibal tugged at her, but her body was frozen to the ground. He pressed his face against her. Her bosom was frozen hard, her heart silent. He put a napkin over her face and piled snow on her. Dark shapes moved at the edge of the woods. His torch reflected on wolves' eyes. He shouted at them and waved a shovel. Mischa was determined to come out to her mother—he had to choose. He took Mischa back inside and left the dead to the dark.

Mr. Jakov's book was undamaged beside his blackened hand until a wolf ate the leather cover and amid the scattered pages of Huyghens' Treatise on Light licked Mr. Jakov's brains off the snow. Hannibal and Mischa heard snuffling and growling outside. Hannibal built up the fire. To cover the noise he tried to get Mischa to sing; he sang to her. She clutched his coat in her fists.

"Ein Mannlein . . ."

Snowflakes on the windows. In the corner of a pane, a dark circle appeared, made by the tip of a glove. In the dark circle a pale blue eye.

Excerpted from HANNIBAL RISING by Thomas Harris Copyright © 2006 byThomas Harris.

I am still a fan of cannibal literature, especially of the undead variety (I was going to write a review for World War Z but now pretty much everyone who reads this blog now owns my copy so... Fuck that), but this books seems an excellent example of how not to write a book about dudes who eat the flesh of other dudes.

And now, Parody.

"Spleen is pretty tasty," said Hannibal the cannibal's friend, Bob.
"I'm glad you enjoy the stew, Bob," smiled Hannibal, all creeptastic.
"When you eat peoples," asked Bob, a sudden concerned look all on his face as if he may have just eaten something disgusting, other than spleen. "Like, when you eat dudes, do you uh... like, eat their junk and stuff?"
"Hella nasty," spat Hannibal the Cannibal. "What is wrong with you, dogg?"
"Just curious," said the reassured Bob, a big, grateful 'thank god I did not just chew on some random dudes peter' smile all over his mug.
"And now, let us examine these creepy old lithographs of naked chicks eating haggis that I bought off ebay."
"Mmm..." purred Bob all chowing on some Dude Stew. "Chewy."
In the distance, the churchbells rang as B-52 bombers blew stuff up in the crazy ol' world of yesteryear.

And because it sums up my feelings about the whole thing, here is an artists rendering of Mr. Harris chasing the big fat bucket of cash he will receive for what will be a really, awful book:

2006-11-19T13:17:00.000-07:00

Have some mushi

WTF?

2006-11-17T12:21:00.000-07:00

The clowns take over D-town this evening. Be afraid. Be very afraid!

2006-11-10T09:31:00.000-07:00

A lovely evening and a damn fine meal

Thanks, ladies! Also, Yahweh and ze Anner had me over for a steak the size of my head and delicious cocktails of all varieties. If you haven't dined at their place, you simply must. Unless of course you're a big ol' vegetarian girl or something. The bread was good so I guess you could eat some bread.

To meat!

Also, to finally stick a fork in the moustache debate...

I think we're done here.

2006-11-08T19:51:00.000-07:00

VICTORY

Yay!

and to celebrate

2006-11-08T01:49:00.000-07:00

Excuse my editorial override

However, we praise Yahweh in all ways imaginable and mean no disrespect. Yahweh truly is great and the Democrats may have actually swiped control of both the house AND the senate.

All praise be as Webb has some 8,000 votes over Senator Macaca.

Look at this and praise Yahweh.

But Ron Jeremy has no business here. Please, do not smiteth me.

All the bad news? By a slight majority, Colorado still hates gay people and marijuana. But, we have a democrat governor.

Mostly, it was just nice to not be beaten completely silly again. Eat my stuff, Mr. Rove.

I am thawing several of these tonight for dinner Thursday

2006-11-07T16:29:00.000-07:00

There will be some of this! This!

Lest I forget

2006-11-07T09:14:00.000-07:00

Stinks like sex in here

2006-11-06T18:18:00.000-07:00

2006-11-04T19:01:00.000-07:00

2006-11-02T23:25:00.000-07:00

Dalí Anatomica

2006-11-01T21:49:00.000-07:00

Seth Bullock

Great American. Great moustache.

2006-11-01T16:31:00.000-07:00

2006-10-31T10:12:00.000-07:00

I'm not here, this isn't happening

We are most certainly NOT nearing the end of a hugely important mid-term election season that may vindicate my country as NOT being entirely, or at least hugely, xenophobic, assbags who'd sooner ride George Bush's tractor trailer of doom straight into a nuclear apocolypse than for even one second to tolerate the dandyfied loser talk of gay, jewish, liberal lawyers from Manhatten, gay jewish liberal lawyers like Howard Dean and Nancy Pelosi.

I refuse to believe that maybe finally we're all crawling out of the fog of fury from 9-11 and that maybe we can start to actually pick politicians on their ability to govern reasonably as opposed to how entirely they personify our own private murderous rages and how they seem most likely to kill a dude. That's how we pick our friends, not our governors.

Mostly, I just hope that when the status quo continues it's quo status that the collective laugh of the media barons fails to shake the Rocky Mountains down and into my living room.

Maybe it's the 6 years of experience talking, but I forsee GLOOM AND FUCKING DOOM!!! THE CRAZIES ARE EVERYWHERE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!

And if I'm wrong about this then, uh... woo! GO BRONCOS!

2006-10-28T01:14:00.000-07:00

Stache...

Before:

After:

All signs point to... yes.

Bradlay to join us Friday for the Railbender's Annual 'Alloween Drunkening!

2006-10-26T08:35:00.000-07:00

They will be dressed as their favorite glam band from teh '80's. Annies guess is that they will beforming as Tëh Crüe.

I almost forgot. There will be a fog machine! Yes, you heard me right, A FOG MACHINE!!

2006-10-17T15:52:00.000-07:00

Here is my rad CLinton shirt I was looking for earlier!

I'll see your Repug shirts and raise you some Xtian Tees.

2006-10-17T10:29:00.000-07:00

Have you spoke to Jesus, Juan?

GI Jesus? Clever!

Did you know about jesus and loving babies and stuff? Well he does. Now you know! Knowing is half the battle they say.

--Posted by Yahweh teh Crazed

2006-10-16T13:09:00.000-07:00

Fun with Republicans!!!

For anyone who thinks Mecca needs bombing, Hillary needs a DNR and journalists need a good murdering, there's this atrocity.

Just, eww...

Taco, taco!

2006-10-12T11:27:00.000-07:00

¡Los burrito del desayuno son muy deliciosos y sobroso!

2006-10-02T12:12:00.000-07:00

2006-09-27T21:39:00.000-07:00

Feelin' fine.

--posted by Juan

2006-09-14T14:08:00.000-07:00

Best Blog Ever, Man

This has indeed been a summer of quality work by the Smog Bloggers. And, as the season comes to a close I decided it was time to celebrate and to set my head on fire.

Go team, go!

2006-09-10T16:49:00.000-07:00

Pron

After last week's visit by Yahweh, I figured this blog couldn't sink much lower. So, now I shall treat you all to my latest experiment with bad writing. See, I find the effort to write something of quality to be rather difficult. However, if you try to write something really awful... Well, find the results below. Enjoy!

The woman placed her hands onto the man’s love melon and felt it swell like Alec Baldwin’s face after too much gin. Trembling fingers slid across tiny, hidden veins that pumped blood hotter than the sand on one thousand beaches that have burned countless naked feet as they rushed their way back to Hondas, Saturns, Escalades and what-have-you as she led his engorged man muscle past her plump as baby harp seal lips and into her open, willing and rather stinky from too much garlic mouth (for awhile she had regretted ordering garlic shrimp at dinner, but they were so delicious and the man had seemed so eager that she figured a little stink breath probably wouldn’t interfere with anything). There, her tongue slid down his Big Lebowski like a drowsy, just awakened fireman sliding down a firehouse pole toward his impatient teammates, already on the fire truck as somewhere in the night there was a one-bedroom condo engulfed in flame, as it’s owner, a rather portly divorcee, had fallen asleep smoking a cheap cigar, which had tumbled from his pudgy fingers and onto his stained with Chinese food, pizza and light beer wall to wall carpeting.

And she began to suck. Like a delinquent siphoning fuel from a gas tank, like a dieter guiltily sucking the straw toward a frosty milkshake, like the movie Daredevil, she sucked and sucked at his Bilbo Baggins as he closed his eyes and fell into a drunken stupor of ecstasy. He was drunker than George Bush in the 70’s, drunker than a teenager with a stolen bottle of Southern Comfort, drunker than Paris Hilton at a charity fundraiser, which is really quite drunk. Except, of course, he was drunk with pleasure, and just a little scotch, a valium, a paxil, crystallized methamphetamine and the shot of tequila he’d popped back in his apartment several hours ago to calm his nerves before he had even left to meet her.

And then without speaking a word they shifted their bodies. An unspoken agreement had dictated that it was time for the one gun salute, the mattress dance, i.e. the physical act of love. It was time for coitus. The time had come for one good man to raise his one-eyed-Willy and to go boldly where an undetermined number of men had gone before. It was time to place the candle in her pumpkin, and like an overpaid surgeon with calm and steady hands he masterfully steered his Bob Dole deep into her Oval Office.

“Yes!” she cried as the electric waves of delight warmed through her. “Yes!” she cried again as he cocked his legs and pumped pleasure into her body as if he were a Berkley 350 Hydromantic Water pump, pushing fresh clean drinking water to the citizens of a small Missouri town, water that would be frozen into ice cubes and placed into a thousand cocktails and into ice packs for a thousand swollen knees. “Oh YES!” she moaned as visions of much more attractive men danced behind her closed eyes, danced and whispered and kissed her and listened to her problems with her family and understood and…

“Oh no…” he muttered as his drunken penis quickly ejaculated semen into her vagina. Nine months later a child was born. Fifty three years later, that child, now a man, would quit his job, leave his wife and accidentally step in front of a slow moving bus as he considered his options for the life that had just opened up before him like an expecting vulva.

ONANISM IS BAD MKAY!

2006-09-06T15:28:00.000-07:00

I COMMAND ALL SMOGKATEERS TO SHUN HE WHO CALLS HIMSELF JUAN

JUAN IS A SINNER IN THE HANDS OF WELL,... HIMSELF

THAT IS ALL

--posted by Yahweh

*My blog needs a breathalizer

2006-08-28T21:27:00.000-07:00

A Douchebag For All Times

picture removed due to overwhelming creepiness

I knew he didn't do it. You knew he didn't do it. Everyone knew he didn't do it. So why the fuck do I have to know this creepy motherfucker ate prawns and champagne on his plane ride from fucking Bangkok to California?

Now, while this loon is clearly a deranged, fuck, pederast, who, happily will spend the rest of his life under heavy supervision and probably prison, he is really only the symbol of the whole depressing scene and therefore will find his trophy (A 6" bronzed douchebag) delivered via shiv while on his way to the work yard. However, the true recipient is every douchebag news producer who demanded 'round the clock coverage of everything some depressed, pederast loser does for two whole weeks.

The list of douchebags is endless and anonymous but the award is well and truly fucking deserved. Now, let's let this pass and focus on something important like, when will Tom Cruise find work again.

2006-08-24T16:52:00.000-07:00

RAMSEY SUSPECT ENJOYS A FRESCA!

Film at 11!!!

Tom Waits with Band, Chicago 8/9/06

2006-08-14T18:50:00.000-07:00

Opening act: Eyeball Kid featuring Tabletop Joe. Granted, that may have been a scotch-based hallucination on my part.

Chicago? Very cool. Lots of pizza joints and old buildings.

I tried to steal this poster. It was not received well.

A downtown train. "L" trains, I think they are called.

Nosebleed seats + shitty phone camera = this image. Highlight of the evening? Tom pulls out the piano and does a sublime rendition of Tom Traubert's Blues. Completely awesome. Low point of the evening? Discovering the theatre bar stocked only Dewar's. Highlight # 2? When Tom was musing about how one time he was shot on 9th and Hennepin, but now you can buy sandals there.

I woke up the next morning in my hotel room, hungover as fuck, but with nary a shank-hole or pimp scratch on my person. I'll do better next time.

-- posted by Juan

2006-08-10T13:01:00.000-07:00

Scared?

Mr. Valdez before his rampage in the windy city.

2006-08-02T01:34:00.000-07:00

Fuck it, Dude. Let's go bowling.

2006-07-31T13:51:00.000-07:00

Best Celebrity Meltdown of the New Millineum!

Read it and weep, sugar tits!

Forgive me for crawling out of my hole for celebrity gossip, but this is the sort of thing that blogs were invented for.

Carry on!

2006-07-26T12:51:00.000-07:00

Good Bye, Constitution!

Grumble, fucking, grumble...

Juan's got his

2006-07-16T10:43:00.000-07:00

It's 2099 miles to Chicago. Looks like I better start walking now...

--posted by Juan

One Magnificent Phrase...

2006-07-07T05:40:00.000-07:00

"Tom Waits Tour 2006"

Tues, Aug 1 Atlanta, GA Tabernacle
Wed, Aug 2 Asheville, NC Thomas Wolfe Auditorium
Fri, Aug 4 Memphis, TN Orpheum Theatre
Sat, Aug 5 Nashville, TN Ryman Auditorium
Mon, Aug 7 Louisville, KY Palace Theatre
Wed, Aug 9 Chicago, IL Auditorium Theatre
Fri, Aug 11 Detroit, MI Opera House
Sun, Aug 13 Akron, OH Akron Civic

I urge the Smogkateers to step right up and meet me in Louisville.

--posted by Juan

2006-06-06T10:44:00.000-07:00

06 06 06

Happy Satan Day, everyone!

THIS JUST IN...

2006-05-31T18:45:00.000-07:00

Please remain calm.

--posted by Juan

2006-05-29T22:26:00.000-07:00

Gasp

Another week and no update on the Smog Blog. It would be an understatement to say that my interest in this particular venture has waned as of late. Were I to promise it's return I could maybe be lying. So I'll just say, watch this space.

2006-05-20T12:00:00.001-07:00

Fuck

Apparently Deadwood is going to be cancelled.

In memorandum, I bring you Seven Minutes In Deadwood.

2006-05-09T18:24:00.000-07:00

What's up with Smog? What's Smog doing? How can I help?

Have you been asking these questions? I bet you have. I'm going to do this now. I have decided. I've done my application and have an appointment with an advisor tomorrow.

So yes. I'ma go to film school this fall. Why? Cuz.

2006-04-30T07:09:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls... The President of the United States!

of America!

2006-04-26T12:30:00.000-07:00

This new Neko Case album

Is good.

The movie Jarhead: was very good. Not at all fun, but good.

The movie Hostel: horrible but good. Also, no one should watch this movie.

The new netflix style blockbuster web rental service: Free for two weeks. Trying it out. Sucks so far.

The TV show House: Pretty good actually.

The TV show Lost: Really amazingly silly. One great character and 39 stereotypes trapped on an island of endlessly contrived mysteries.

America's Next Top Model? I'm thinking Joanie.

Juan? Delicious with some rum and ether.

2006-04-14T09:28:00.000-07:00

Jitterbug Boy

So, yesterday while poking around in a pretty slick little CD store in, not that surprisingly, Ft. Collins I picked up a couple of great, and hell of cheap Tom Waits imports. The best one is a New Years Eve show he played in Bumblefuck, Ohio in 1976. Great recordings of some Small Change and Nighthawks stuff. The other is of the Mule Variations tour with some recordings he did backstage for some goon with a tape recorder. Pretty nice of Tom to give this goober a couple of gorgeous, little stripped down songs but is it hinkey for him to sell them? I know I'm in the clear, even if I did buy them. I didn't know the situation. I can sleep at night.

2006-04-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

Hmm...

Not much to say at the moment. Jerry Lee Lewis was just on the radio and well... I think I really enjoy listening to Jerry Lee Lewis. I'd like to thank everyone that has been kind enough to introduce me to the early 1990's by calling me on my new cellular phone. Now, I understand that e-mail and internet are not the same thing? Is that right? Also, I am excited to try one of these 'bagels' that everyone is so excited about. I hear they're good with a 'lattee', which I understand is really hot coffee mixed with a dollop of French semen.

2006-04-07T07:48:00.000-07:00

Let's all mock Bradley. Shall we?

Apparently the British TV show Mastermind had a Buffy category. The shame here is that I would've cleaned house.

1) What was the address Buffy gave when she phoned for an ambulance in 'The Body'.
2) Who was Xander's best man in 'Hells Bells'?
3) Which episode was Dawn introduced in?
4) Who did Anya think was she engaged to in 'Tabula Rasa'?
5) How did Flutie die in 'The Pack'?
6) How did Buffy kill the Judge?
7) How did Buffy prove that Kathy was a demon in 'Living Conditions'?
8) What did Anya think apart from bunnies might be causing the singing in 'Once More With Feeling'?
9) What was Ted's job?
10) What was the name of the oracle that Giles and Anya consulted in 'Showtime'?
11) In which episode did Giles and Joyce kiss, Buffy drive a car and the doctor body surfed.?
12) How many hearts did the Gentleman have to get in 'Hush'?
13) What happened to Amber the cheerleader in 'The Witch'?
14) Who played Joyce?
15) What kind of statue did Brad steal for Harmony in 'Real Me'?
16) What was the name of the character who was Buffy's boyfriend between Angel and Riley?
17) What three word message did Ethan Rayne leave behind in 'Halloween'?

I only missed two.

I offer myself up for mocking because I feel that I deserve it.

2006-04-06T15:20:00.000-07:00

Totally Swiped

Off Kos:

Vice President Dead-eye Dick Cheney's Chief of Staff Scooter Libby resigns after being indicted on felony charges of obstruction of justice, perjury and making false statements in the CIA leak investigation

President Bush severely criticized for his role in the domestic NSA wire tap program; Close advisor Karl Rove deeply involved in the same investigation that indicted Scooter Libby; Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has been severely criticized for his role in the torture memos. The President, the AG, and Mr. Rove have not been charged with any wrongdoing

Tom DeLay, former GOP House Leader already under indictment in Texas, suddenly resigned from Congress Tuesday under a swirling dark cloud of corruption speculation after two of his former senior aids copped pleas and a third may be about to follow suit (See Lindsay Beyerstein's Delay perp walk shot)

Senate Republican Majority Leader Bill Frist is under investigation for possible securities violations regarding his stock in the company his family founded. He has not been charged with any wrongdoing

Leading Bush 2000 Campaign contributor and personal friend to the President, Ken Lay, currently being tried for his alleged role in the Enron debacle while he was CEO. According to Conspiracy of Fools, Lay was nearly chosen to be Secretary of the Treasury shortly after Bush's victory in 2000

Ohio Republican crony Tom Noe indicted on 2/13/06 on 53 counts, including forgery, money laundering, and theft, related to Coingate (Background and mugshot). By some reports, Noe was on the verge of being put in charge of the U. S. Mint in some senior level capacity

Top-Gun Republican Congressman Randall Cunningham sentenced to eight years and four months in prison after pleading guilty to federal charges of accepting over two million dollars in bribes

Republican mega-money man Jack Abramoff plead guilty to several felony corruption charges and is facing the distinct possibility of more. Currently free after being sentenced to over five years in prison to cooperate in other investigations one of which involves the gangland style execution of Konstantine Boulis

Presidential Domestic Policy Advisor and self proclaimed Christian conservative Claude Allen arrested for his alleged leading role in a seedy, felony shoplifting racket

Department of Homeland Security Assistant Press Secretary Brian Doyle facing arrest on 23 charges related to soliciting sex from a 14 year-old minor in a police sting operation (Don't you feel safer?)

Again, I apologize for all the politics, but is so delicious I want to smear it with Sriracha and pop open a diet coke.

Talking Points memo has a good list.

2006-04-03T21:40:00.000-07:00

Hallelujah

I'm sick to death of being a partisan, but I'ma stop and waggle my dick at Tom Delay as he slinks his punk ass out of politics (hopefully for good).

So long, douchebag. Thanks for being part of the problem.

2006-03-30T19:33:00.000-07:00

The Great Outdoor Fight

I got really damn sick of this story line, and I've really missed funny achewoods. However, going back and reading the whole epic in five minutes is alot more satisfying than reading it slowly over the last three MOTHERFUCKING months. In five minutes it gets an A+. Over three months it can kiss my entire black ass. I've never been much for serialized entertainments.

2006-03-29T08:17:00.000-07:00

Big Friendly Monkey

So, I watched the new King Kong finally, and yes, that certainly was a big ape alright. Aside from about 20-30 extraneous subplots, and about an hour of "epicness" tacked on for sake of epicness, a complete bloat of epicosity, I'd say I'm pro-Kong. I am pro-Kong and anti-biplane.

The movie breaks down like this, it starts with an hour of painful, seemingly endless back story of the three main leads and their nameless cannon fodder assistants. Apparently Jack Black's career as a movie producer isn't going so hot, probably because he looks and acts completely insane all the time, Naomi Watts is having problems making it as an actress, not sounding Australian and being really attractive. Then there's a really skinny writer who doesn't seem to mind when he finds out he'll be sleeping in an animal cage on a steamer ship for the next year after Jack Black kidnaps him (or however long it takes a steamer ship to travel from New York to Singapore, I'm guessing awhile) but you know, they're old friends so it's not a big deal... Then there's a feral child who reads Heart of Darkness, a mysterious poacher/ship captain, financial troubles, dancing, arguments over the movie they're supposedly making, the mystery and superstitions of Skull Island (what can go wrong on Skull Island?) and all other sorts of bullshit.

Just when you think you can't take anymore and turn to switch on the rerun of America's Next Top Model (is Jade arrogant or confident? discuss), they find the goddamn island. Then, all of these subplots turn out to be super important as Kong wrassles with dinosaurs and people get eaten by giant bugs. Then, somehow they get the monkey to fall asleep and the last hour details his long, successful career on Broadway. THE END.

I would have to say that as computer generated main characters go, this was my favorite, but I'm rather partial to gorillas, plus he was considerably less horny looking than the big randy animatronic ape in the 70's King Kong (in that Kong's defense, Jessica Lange looked really hot in the 70's) Apparently, action heroes are a lot easier to like when they're biologically incapable of snappy post mortem one liners, although, after Kong dispatches a handful of dinosaurs he does the whole triumphant chest beating monkey thing, which was probably the best scene in the movie.

Plus, he's complicated. See, at first it's really funny to push Naomi Watts down, but then when she yells at him and won't let him knock her down anymore he becomes conflicted! Why won't she fall down any more? It's really funny when she falls down. What the hell is her problem? JUST FALL DOWN... YOU GO SQUISH NOW!

In conclusion, I hope to be reincarnated as a giant ape.

2006-03-21T10:57:00.001-07:00

Stop smoking you commie fuckers

I watched Good Night and Good Luck, and aside from being really goddamn good it drove me damn near insane. A few posts ago I might have mentioned that Jackie Brown is a bad movie for the recent non-smoker. That movie is nothing. In Good Night, every character smokes at all times. There is a scene where George Clooney is swimming while smoking two cigarettes while floating a hookah on his stomach. Robert Downey Jr. smokes while making love to his wife, who is smoking a pipe. McCarthy shows up in archival footage smoking tobacco out of a deflated football.

It is not a movie to be viewed by anyone who cannot have a cigarette.

2006-03-13T09:14:00.000-07:00

The Sopranos is back

And while I don't have any particular reason to care, beyond the fear of sitting through another extended Tony Soprano dream sequence... Did anyone see it? Eh? I am without the HBO. Talk to me Goose/s.

2006-03-06T13:32:00.000-07:00

An Open Letter

To: Chris Onstead
Re: The Great Outdoor Fight

Wrap it up already.

Signed,

Bradlay

2006-02-27T08:10:00.000-07:00

Worst movie to watch while you're quitting smoking

Jackie Brown.

It made not smoking a very ugly thing last night but god damn is this a good movie. It's no Snakes On A Plane, but it's pretty goddamn good.

2006-02-24T09:39:00.000-07:00

D'oh

So it may seem strange, and by "strange" I mean "gay", but I've kind of enjoyed watching the womens ice skating. We watched ice dancing the other night, and by "ice dancing" I mean "gay", and it was the single most ludicrous thing I've seen on TV. Here's just a little fact that I didn't think it would ever be neccesary to write down... If you perform your sport dressed up like a matador, and there is no bull to fight but only the soundtrack from the Phantom of the Opera, then your sport is no sport at all and you have failed your parents.

I'll say it though, regular ice skating is pretty damn good TV. The routines are either flouncy silliness and you can laugh as the little princess falls on her butt in front of the entire world, or they're very elegant and weird looking. In the case of this Sasha Cohen person, they can be both.

Troy Patterson from Slate covered the whole thing pretty well with this paragraph:

The women of figure skating are far more modest. In fact, they're rarified creatures, no mere "women." Last night, settling in to watch the main event, I noticed for the first time that the highlight of the Winter Olympics is called the "ladies' free skate." Nobody's talking about "gentlemen's bobsled" or "ladies' hockey." Can you tell me what gives?

Also, in no other sport does every single competitor get to bow and skate around with tears in their eyes after every performance. Every single one of these girls owns/longs to own a pony.

I have nothing else to say on this issue.

2006-02-13T11:14:00.000-07:00

"The nature of quail shooting ensures that this will happen. It goes with the turf."

The White House line on hunting accidents is now: you will get shot.

2006-02-08T11:19:00.000-07:00

Someone explain this to me

Why is John McCain supposedly all that? Why do people love this guy? This story doesn't bother me in a democrat vs. republican way. I just think he's a dick.

Also, why is he touching Bush's er... bush?

2006-02-03T11:54:00.000-07:00

Game time!

Today's game is...

Who had the worst press this week?

Option 1: Lee Tamahori. Succesful director arrested for prostitution
Option 2: Heroin dealers. Smuggling heroin... in puppies!
Option 3: George Bush. Reducing imports of foreign oil by 75% in a figurative sense.

A tough call...

2006-02-02T11:39:00.000-07:00

I don't update on a regular basis

But, I don't make my living off this blog. What's up with the lazy fucking Achewood guy? He takes every other day off.

Then, there's this.

This has been one to grow on.

2006-01-31T11:43:00.000-07:00

No cigarettes

since Saturday. Pray for me...

Speaking of which, I just received a "prayer rug" in the mail. It's an big piece of paper with a Jesus based optical illusion. If you stare at the Jesus eyes they kind of appear to open! This means Jesus has decided to take me on as a client. At this point I'm supposed to fill out a form, where I can check boxes such as Wealth, Family, Happiness before I mail it back.

THEN ALL MY DREAMS WILL COME TRUE!

2006-01-27T11:07:00.000-07:00

What is and should not be

By request... The EVEN LONGER version of Dune is now available for rental/purchase. Yeesh.

2006-01-23T10:37:00.000-07:00

I met Andy Warhol at a really chic party

OK. So, now there's yet another movie coming out about Andy Warhol and his factory geeks. It's called "Factory Girl" and stars Guy Pearce as Andy. Lou Reed gave a quick script review: "It's one of the most disgusting, foul things I've seen - by any illiterate retard - in a long time." Sweet.

Why does this matter to you? Well, today on the Smog Blog we're going to count the actors who've played Andy Warhol. Why? What the fuck else are you going to do?

Guy Pearce
David Bowie
Crispin Glover
Jarred Harris

Eh... Maybe there's less than I thought.

Game Over

2006-01-23T09:05:00.000-07:00

Good Morning Smogkateers!

I used to type these posts all early in the morning and stuff. Maybe I'm getting stupider because all I can think of at the moment is "stupid fucking broncos" and I know none of you are interested in that nonsense.

But my three weeks of jury duty hell are over and now I'm back to my normal routine of working in a stupid fucking office in the middle of nowheres. NOWHERES I SAYS. Stupid fucking job... Stupid fucking broncos...

This has been the Smog Monster, and I thank you for your time and continued support.

2006-01-18T15:24:00.000-07:00

Guilty

I'm finished. These four guys are apparently looking at around a minimum of 24 years apiece for the kidnapping and brutal gang rape of a 15-year-old girl. I just wanna say the last two and a half weeks have been goddamn horrifying.